I’ve survived 4 suicide attempts and two of them almost got me. I remember the last time I was going to do it I sat on an edge of a beach, an hour away from my house and I had a knife to my neck. I remember just sitting there and I felt this sense of calm like the pain will soon be over. All the years of abuse, rape, and all the haunting memories of seeing death and seeing cruelty will be gone.
After years sexually assaulted by my boss and workmate. The echos of my parents saying they rather I be dead so that I could be happy went round and round in my head. I listened to the birds and the wind and watch the ants on the ground. It was so peaceful being away from everything and just being alone. I remember that I was listening to music quietly and I just took the gun’s safety off and I was gonna pull the trigger, but then a song came on that I had never heard before.
Music has always been the most important thing in my life and it makes me feel things that nothing else makes me feel. I can escape from the world and my BPD and PTSD. I eased off the trigger and I listened to the song and it was absolutely beautiful and I remember I put the gun down and I just played that song on repeat for about an hour or so. That song saved my life and changed my mind.
It’s 4 years later and even though I still have severe suicidal thoughts daily I haven’t attempted anything or even been close to attempting anything. I listen to that song everyday. I don’t really have support and I don’t really have friends, but I do the best I can because I want to be something in the world.